My mother-in-law is dying, in fact she could be gone as early as this weekend. Death is always a difficult thing for me. Sixteen years ago when my Father-in-law lay dying I could not be in the room talking with him as my husband and my sister-in-laws could. I walked the hall of the hospital crying and begging God just to get him go. Eight years ago it was my husband who rushed to my mother's bedside, I stayed home praying my rosary, not really feeling I could be with her.
My father-in-law was my rock and coming from the family I came from I needed a secure man to let me know that I was not worthless, something my father told me on a daily basis, or stupid and unwanted like my mother did. No I needed to known that I was worthy to be loved by man and God. My husband and his father were the resasons I have come as far as I have.
Now my mother-in-law is dying. I have never had good relationships with women, women in postitions of authority, or supposed authority, in particular. Like my mother, my mother-in-law was always quick to judge and assume with out fact and with out real evidence. Like my mother, my mother-in-law loved to gossip about someone, making sure the story put her in the light of needing support beciase the situation was so horrible. This is distructive for any relationship: And for our as in-laws it was impossible. I did have times of great warmth with my mother-in-law, until a mutual friend suggested that I not share my concerns and worries with her, because as she put it your mother-in-law is gossiping about you and loves to let her freinds know how much she hates you.
It was a blow! I cried for days and left as betrayed as I ever had. I never shared anyting with her again and it was hard for me to keep my feelings about her from showing on my face. At time I hated her and felt great guilt at feeling those feelings. My relationship with her made me question how my husband felt about me, if left to choice would he pick her over me? He would pick me.
The relationship crept into every mutual relationship I had with her. Her friends, some to this day, looked at me with contempt, others would come over and pat me on the shoulder like I was some fragile lunatic whow would and could explode at any moment. It was hard for me to look those people in the eye and would come home from Church crying.
Family activities made me nausea weeks in advance of the activity or holiday. It wasn't until we stopped going into the other city were my husband grandparents had lived that I finally felt the joy of the holidays. The stories I was hearing and the retelling of secret concerns, always told to show how wounded she was that my husband had married such a gold digger, horrible parent, etc would make me cringe. I was not that person but who was going to beleive me!
I had shared my deepest concerns, my most secret worries with a woman I thought had my best interest at heart only to find she cared only for the appreance she made to others, it made me weep. I felt even more inadequent after spending time with HIS family.
He and I spoke about my relationship with her and my feelings towards her and he reassured me that my mother-in-law did not know, or wanted to know, how much I worked at my emotional-spiritual issues. She thought of anyone who went to seek help for such things must be insane and that my husband would be better off without me. My husband was proud of my work and was proud at how much I had changed from the, Paris Hilton-esque woman I was to whom he knew I was called to be.
He told me that when we were dating he was on his knees in prayer and asked God whom he should choose: me or another woman he was dating, God told him to choose me. At that point my mother-in-law was someone I became respectful of but did not need to share my life with and should not share anything important with. My husband assurance that I was the one God had told him to marry made me feel humble and little unworthy, but also very free and loved.
It is sad to think of all that has gone before, how much misuderstood we have been with each other, but it is also a calling to live more like Christ.
For if very life expereince is an opportunity to learn how to live more fully, nore humanly, more humanly; than looking at how I could have been better with her is the best way for me to learn how to become more confident and secure in myself as a daughter of God. How I must be more loving towards everyone I meet and how judgement of others and assumation of who they are; ruin relatiohsips. |
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